Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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