went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
