I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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