sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
