so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
