Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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