Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
