Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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