When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
