Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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