I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
