note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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