you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
