Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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