It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
