Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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