phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
