He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
