i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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