He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
