Don't make out with my wife yet
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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