I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
