fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
