Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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