onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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