i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
