I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
