I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
