FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
