I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
