a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
