Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
