I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
