Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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