So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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