Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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