Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
