I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
