I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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