oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
