When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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