You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
