Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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