Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
