You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
