Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
