The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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