I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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