Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
