"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
